A satirical look at Steve Jobs – the afterlife, with a guest appearance from Alexander Graham Bell
In the first of a series of articles first published in Can't Understand New Technology, the satirical rag exploring what Silicon Roundabout really thinks of new technology, Tony Hymes takes us on a surreal journey to the gates of Hell with Steve Jobs.
Photo credit: Howard Grey
Midway upon the journey of our life, deep within a wood dark with fright,
Runs Steve Jobs alone, for three monsters chase him, black in the night.
Exhausted, giving up, falling, with knees bent, he calls from his back,
“God, Why do you punish me so? What are these monsters that me attack?”
In this moment, through the grass and snow, comes a sage soul, dressed in red.
He removes his hood fully and yet Jobs does not know him from his head.
“Jobs, I am here, to save you from this fear, you do not know my face,
But I have been sent to find you, and take you from this place,
“I was the first to put sound in an ear, to make a voice so very far away,
Seem to be so very near, and the world was forever changed that day.”
Jobs looks at him with vehement disbelief. “Alexander Graham Bell?
If my eyes are seeing you, I must be dreaming, or not feeling well!
“It’s time for me to find my way home, or to wake up from this nightmare,
I will just take out my brand new iPhone 5, to save me from despair!”
Jobs removes the sleek built-in case, but screams as he looks at his apps,
“Oh no! What horror is this? Where the fuck is Google maps?”
The sage Bell takes his new phone from him, and looks at it in his hand,
“I like the design of the first iPod, with its rotary dial, this is quite bland.”
“Quite bland? Have you lost your mind! This is a communications key!
Unlike any other, with a slightly bigger screen, lighter weight and 4G!
“People who use it can do whatever they want, anytime anywhere!”
Bell leans in to respond: “Jobs, that’s exactly why you’re here.”
Jobs cries “Yes here, where is here? Please answer my query.
And be quick about it, otherwise, I will simply ask Siri.”
“You will meet Siri, in due time, but we must go on a walk,
First I will tell you something that will make it hard for you to talk.
“You are dead Steve Jobs, it is true, you died not long ago,
But your soul was not laid to rest, due to the sins of Apple & Co.”
“The sins of Apple? Do tell me what sin might that be?
The sin of letting information free? Of connecting the world continually?
“What about the iPod shuffle clip? The iTunes Genius recommendation?
Certainly those inventions deserve some congratulation!”
“You are mistaken when you think of your colourful past creations,
For man is taking the punishment for your portfolio of innovations.”
Unable to respond or comprehend, Jobs follows Bell without another word
They speak no more until through the twisted branches screaming is heard.
“What is that there? That great portal punctuated by those giant statues?
The heat that’s coming makes my soul melt, it deflates my virtues.”
“This is where our journey must begin,” said Alexander Graham Bell,
Who reaches out his arm, “Before you stand the mighty Bill Gates of Hell.”
Jobs’ voice is snatched away by fierce wind that circles the two beings,
He hears a whiny voice from faces with glasses mocking his twisting feelings.
Finally he turns to Alexander Graham Bell as the Gates of Hell open,
Jobs manages to eke out “you’re coming with me, I’m hopin?”
“Yes Jobs, I will come with you, and just so you will not be alone –”
Alexander Graham Bell hands Jobs a Nokia Lumia Windows Phone.
“No!” cries Jobs “I go into Hell OK, fine, but that crap for this inventor?”
Yet his eyes tear up at the sign above the door: “Abandon all hope, those who enter.”
To be continued...
Tony Hymes (@tonyhymes) is community manager at music streaming social network Whyd